larkspur
by bells-mannequin
Summary: Poppo doesn't dream much—but when he does, it always revolves around the sweetest girl he'll ever know, telling him, "We will see the world together, Poppo! We'll visit the whole world, and we'll dance and eat and have so much fun!" — Poppo, and how the world will always need more laughter. 2/6


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(_I love how funny you are_)

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larkspur

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One night, sooner than later, Poppo decides that he is going on a trip.

He really isn't much for dreaming, for promises left unfulfilled and—he's going on the trip, and he'll visit the whole world, and he'll dance and eat and have _loads_ of fun, because that's just the kind of guy he is.

—

(((Being in Jintan's presence is the hardest.)))

"Ossu!"

"Morning, Poppo …" Jintan smiles, and it's not quite the confident one from their childhood but it's not that awkward … _thing _anymore, either. "What are you doing here?"

"Ah, I'm just going to the grocery story … boy needs his vegetables, heh?"

Jintan nods with a small smile, so disarmingly careful—and Poppo-… Poppo doesn't know what to say anymore.

(((_I still feel so guilty. _Poppo wonders if he is the only one who thinks it.)))

—

Poppo has never belonged to the love dodecahedron consisting of the Super Peace Busters. Maybe because he is a bit younger? Maybe because he was always charismatic, great Jintan's sidekick? Maybe because he's the type of guy to get friend-zoned a lot?

Who knows.

_What _he knows is that none of the girls (or boys, for that matter) have any romantic feelings for him—and that he himself, too, has never felt that kind of love for any of them; not for shining, cute Menma, nor for funny, pretty Anaru, or pragmatic, sweet Tsuruko.

He feels glad for that. Very.

Back then, he couldn't have known what a blessing this would turn out to be (back then, he didn't even recognise how confusing and tangled that web of relationships was, apart from Jintan liking Menma, because _that _was way too obvious) but after years of musing and thinking and guilt-tripping himself into this, he knows it would have been much more horrible (than it already is) to have romantic feelings for any of his friends.

That's maybe the sad thing: Without that romantic love, the Super Peace Busters would have never broken apart like they did after—

(((Menma's death)))

((_say it already, think it, you big fat _coward—))

but without it, they would have never belonged that closely together, either. Right?  
Poppo wants to know these kind of things. He thinks about them, thinksthinksthinks, until his head hurts and he still doesn't have an answer to his question.

Something is missing.

(That isn't the problem. The problem is, _how do you cope with it?_)

—

"Hey, Poppo." Yukiatsu and he meet often these days, coincidentally mostly, because the Secret Base is closest to Yukiatsu's home and they both like the same grocer. The products she sells, that is. Honestly. (Though she is pretty damn cute, too.)

"Yo, Yukiatsu. Hey, look at those eggplants—don't they look tasty?"

Yukiatsu inspects the basket of violet vegetables and looks thoughtful. "Hm. I never liked eggplants."

"Sometimes I feel like you don't like things on purpose, just so you can distance yourself from people." Poppo doesn't know why he said that. It just—flew out of his mouth or something. Shit. Shitshitshit.

Yukiatsu is the most cruel of all of them, that's an established fact (even when Tsuruko is the only one constantly calling him out on that), but the sad thing is, it's a learned cruelty. Like other people shy away from confrontation, or get loud to hide the quiet hurt in their hearts, Yukiatsu wields his cruelness like a weapon.

"Like _you_'re one to speak," Yukiatsu says after a silence that feels like eternity—but in a too-mild tone, with not-enough restrained anger. It sounds almost soft, with something akin to empathy? Then, a look of frustration flits across his face, and he lets out a long sigh. "I don't judge you or anything, Poppo. It's just … you have to let go. You _have _to." His old friend stares into the horizon, almost looking heroic if it weren't for the utter frustration in his eyes, the lingering hate around his mouth. "We all do."

—

The thing is, Poppo knows, that mostly, just _they _have to. Yukiatsu and him, that is. Anaru, Tsuruko, Jintan—their guilt is of a different, totally different kind. The stupid kind of guilt where you basically _know_ that you didn't really do anything wrong, and that you couldn't have done anything to change the situation, the past (_Menma's death_), that what you feel is what you feel, and sometimes, you just can't help falling for the wrong person, can't help feeling the ugly emotions of envy, jealousy, frustration.

It's just the two of them.

Yukiatsu with all the hate he carries with him, in his heart, around his mouth, like a second skin—Yukiatsu who hurts like he loves and who should seriously go talk to a shrink.

And him, of course. Poppo. Hisakawa Tetsudou. The one who saw his childhood friend fucking _floating _in the water of the current in which they floundered around in summer, always.

The one who didn't do anything about it.

—

(((Some days he feels like a murderer.)))

—

((Thanks to Kami, most days, he doesn't.))

(Most days he knows that he couldn't have done anything than alert Menma's parents and the ambulance a little earlier of the corpse of his childhood friend in the water.)

(Most days, he knows that he isn't as guilty as he feels, and that he is deserving of happiness, and that Menma never thought that he did anything wrong, and that despite it all, Menma loved him as much as she loved the rest of the Super Peace Busters. Most days, he knows that she knows how much he loved her, too.)

—

Poppo doesn't have many dreams. He's not one to imagine a lot of stuff, seriously, and he believes that the hands-on approach is always the simplest, most efficient. He likes to touch the things he works with, and he likes to have a memento for the things he builds. He likes being a construction worker, and Poppo doesn't _dream_ about working as a mason in the future—but knows that that's what he's going to do, five or ten years down the road.

Poppo doesn't dream much—but when he does, it always revolves around the sweetest girl he'll ever know, telling him, "_We will see the world together, Poppo! We'll visit the whole world, and we'll dance and eat and have so much fun!_"

—

One night, sooner than later, Poppo decides that he is going on a trip.

—

"So, what's the route you're going?" Tsuruko asks as they cross the street. She walks her bike next to a Yukiatsu in jogging clothes. She smiles more, he notices fondly, more, and genuinely.

"Ah … I don't know, yet. I mean, I'm going in three months or so, so it's not as if there's a hurry or something … I think I'm going wherever my feet take me." He grins.

"You need to have a plan, or else nothing will work." — "What is the difference to what you did back then?"

They speak at the same time, and Poppo's smirk only widens. It's just so _them _to be frank and blunt whenever it's about anything but themselves (their own feelings).

They share a glance before Yukiatsu turns his head a little to the side, as if allowing her to speak first. That bastard, Poppo thinks, and snorts.

"You need to visit Russia," she surprises him with the voice she uses, and with the warmth she has in her eyes as she says the words, "you have to put a paper boat on the Moskva River."

(_Menma._)

"Oh, and you should also visit Germany," she continues and it is her usual tone and voice again (((isn't he thankful for that))).

"I've always wanted to go to the Oktoberfest," Poppo acknowledges, hand in a thinking motion on his chin, and Yukiatsu chuckles and says something like, well, well, still waters run deep after all, huh?

"Of course it's not because of that," Tsuruko says without batting an eye—it's no fun teasing her, Poppo thinks good-naturedly, "I've always wanted to go to Berlin, and to Hamburg, and some towns in the then-DDR, too. Germany has such a rich history."  
"Yes, yes," Yukiatsu says, grin tugging at his mouth. Then he turns to Poppo and adds: "You should go to Scotland. And Casablanca."

(_Menma. Menma._)

Tsuruko nods, looking all solemn.

Poppo scratches his head with a sheepish smile and says: "Sheesh_**, **_if you want it so bad, then sure, I can visit these places …"  
They smile in unison: smug and sceptical ((and a little bit sad)).

—

The next day, Tsuruko comes to the hideout with a new, unblemished map of the world and a bunch of stuff only overachievers like her need: colour-coordinated pins, highlighters, and all that jazz.

When he continues staring at her while she brews their fruit tea, she just shrugs and says: "I hate people who do things half-heartedly." Then she smiles and takes the edge out of the words by admitting: "It may be a bit hypocritical, but that's only human, I suppose."  
"Going soft with your age, eh, Tsuruko?" He only said it to himself, but Tsuruko with her crazy hearing still turns around quickly. She looks shocked at first, _caught red-handed_, but then, the slope of her shoulders softens like her smile does nowadays. Still surprising, a little weird maybe, but gentle, so gentle.

Then, Anaru enters and knocks, in that order, and starts ranting about her new P.E. teacher and how annoying her schoolmates are and there's this school drama with love triangles and yada yada.

After she has went out of words and air, she flops on her chair, sips the tea Poppo poured in for her, and says: "What are you guys doing, anyways?"

Tsuruko raises an eyebrow and says, almost-smirking: "Planning Poppo's world tour."  
"What?!" Anaru looks shocked, and not in the positive way either. "When?!"

"September eighteen," answers Tsuruko for him even though he never told her or Yukiatsu (or anyone for that matter) the exact date.

Poppo feels his jaw go slack with surprise.

"Ah," Anaru utters, "is that so." Then, she straightens her posture. "Close your mouth, Poppo, you look like an idiot. And add New Zealand to the list. You have to take pictures of the kiwi birds."

((_Menma._))

"Oh, and San Francisco, too! It's _so _beautiful on the pictures I've seen! And New York! And L.A.! And—"

Tsuruko, without waiting for any confirmation on his part, marks the locations on the map.

New Zealand is white, while the others are green.

—

Two weeks before his trip, Jintan and Poppo have a sleepover.

It sounds weird, Poppo realises, as he tells Yukiatsu exactly that. Yukiatsu raises his eyebrows, as usual, and frowns, as usual, but he also nods after a long while, and says, "Cool. Send me a picture when you're done with braiding each other's hair, yeah?" which is ultimately new and _good_.

I can handle Yukiatsu's shitty sarcasm, he thinks.

I can sing with Anaru to the radio station, he thinks.

I can drink tea with Tsuruko, he thinks.

(It's not like there aren't any bad days anymore, when he feels guilty, moody, pissed at the world and Menma and Jintan and about _everyone_, but he can handle it, handle it _well_, and Tsuruko would call it_ healing_ and Anaru _getting back on track _and Yukiatsu _more like getting your shit together, idiot_, but they all mean the same thing—and what does it matter what it's called, when he knows what it does?)

"D'you remember? Looking for shooting stars?" Jintan says into the cool spring night.

"Ah. We always did that when we slept at yours. Menma said that the sky was its clearest at your place."

"We never found one, did we?"

"No. But I didn't mind. It was fun, lying on the lawn, looking for them, just wishing they would appear. I loved those nights."

"When you're back from your trip, we can do it again—with the others, too. Even though I don't think it'd be easy to convince Yukiatsu to a sleepover."

"Yeah … I'd like that."

"Hey … Poppo. I … I'm really happy for you. You know, for living your dream." Jintan sounds so … serene. So genuine.

"I'll send postcards. Letters. E-mails." Maybe Jintan doesn't notice. Maybe he acts like he doesn't notice. Either way, Poppo's just glad that he doesn't say anything at the sight of his tears. It's embarrassing enough, being the big guy and crying like a kid. "You won't even notice that I'm not there 'cause I'm gonna bug the hell outta you guys. Russia, Germany, Scotland, Morocco, New Zealand, America—I'll see all those countries, and then, I'm coming back, and …" He breathes in. Out. In. Out. "Jintan, promise me that you'll get better, too."

Jintan doesn't answer—but he nods, and for Poppo, that's enough.

He has faith in his friends.

—

"No, Anaru," Poppo repeats, for the fourth time.

"But we really could—" she says, tears already shining in her expressive eyes.

Tsuruko steps closer, putting a gentle hand on the other girl's shoulder. "Poppo has to do this alone, Anjou." She sounds a lot meaner than they all know she is (and that's saying something …), and she uses Anaru's surname, two things that make the bitch in Anaru roar to life. Tsuruko needs just one second too much to hide the pleased smirk, but that's enough for Poppo—and the other two guys—to start laughing. The truth is, Tsuruko is just a bit ol' softie at heart (if it isn't being turned to stone by that idiot Yukiatsu), and also, the truth is: he _wants_ to do it alone.

This is it.

He'll go travel, and he'll enjoy his life, and he'll carry Menma's wish and memory with him all the way.

She won't hold him down, she'll make him _fly_, of that Poppo is sure. _I love how funny you are_—he'll show everyone how true that simple sentence (the biggest compliment anyone has given him) is.

"Poppo," Jintan says with a last look on the clock hanging on the wall of their secret base. "Don't go too late or you'll miss your bus."

That shakes Anaru out of her Tsuruko-induced anger, and the tears come again. "I'll miss you soooo much!" she wails before giving him a bone-crushing hug that squeezes a few tears out of _his _eyes as well.

"Me too, Anaru," he answers with a big grin, trying to burn the image of her pretty face into his memory.

He and Yukiatsu shake hands firmly, like the manly men they are (snort), and Tsuruko makes him a present of her most honest smile and an expensive-looking pocket knife. She lets him hug her, too, and as he feels a few strands of her hair tickling his neck, he wonders how long it will grow in their time apart.

Last comes Jintan—not his leader anymore, not his hero, not something to look up to … just a friend with a whole bag of problems and a heart big enough to conquer it all—he smiles, and a little of the honest sweetness that Poppo always associated Menma seeps through. They hug each other, and Poppo notes how it is the first time since coming back to Japan that he doesn't marvel how small Jintan is—how tall Poppo himself is.

"See you, Poppo."

And Poppo says something heroic for once in his life, something meaningful (a little sappy, too, a voice similar to Tsuruko's says dryly in his head).

He says: "I'll see the world for you, guys! Bye! I love you."

* * *

_2619 words, published on 04/17/13_

******notes**: Disclaimer → on my profile. English = will never be my mother tongue. Thanks → to seireeii for beta-ing . Reviews = don't mean the world, but at least the happy, constructive, wonderful parts of it ... like home-made German cheesecake, like making other people happy, like reading a good book, or like discovering a new show you just HAVE to watch. The whole season, of course. In one night. (Eh, I'd _never_ do something like that; much too sensible for it ;D)

**notes the second**: The larkspur symbolizes an open heart. White = happy-go-lucky nature, pink = fickleness, purple = sweet disposition and first love. Larkspur is also used to show a desire for laughter and a pure heart in the Victorian language of flowers.

**notes the third**: You wouldn't believe it (or would you?), but Poppo's oneshot started out dark and angsty as fuck. Like, this story was 80% angst. I think some time while writing I become much too depressed to continue because I didn't know how to haul the poor guy out of the hole of angst I pushed him into.

Also, I threw some stuff in, for fun, because I can so easily imagine The Super Peace Busters, especially Menma, being, you know, "one of us". So, maybe you can guess what all the locations the Super Peace Busters suggested could mean to Menma? :)

Sunnily,  
—bells


End file.
